There has been some conversation lately, about me being the primary contact during Steven's deployments. Primary contact is the person that is contacted in case of any situations that take place in theater (Afghanistan). If there was any type of injury, but he was okay, he would be able to call me himself, but if the injuries were extensive than they would notify me by phone on what is going on, what happened, and where he is located/headed to (medivac out of country, etc.) However if there was a casualty than I would be notified by the infamous movie-made-famous scene of the men in uniforms coming to knock on my door and ruin my life!
So.... these are the facts. I have been married to this life for going on 9 years now... This is our 4th deployment, all combat deployments, and I have always understood the risk involved when my husband leaves us and heads out to do the job he has trained so tirelessly for. I have always known that he could be killed in action, or hurt, but I have never coward from the life we chose to live. My friends who have known me for years, they know, I am complicated.
I may come off as a tough one, but Im not, I am effected by my daily emotions, take things personal, and struggle to improve myself whenever I see the chance; but while daily life may leave me looking like a psycho on the verge of pulling out her own hair and in need of a padded cell, I'm tough when it counts. I have never ran from a bad situation, I embrace them. I think that is why I do so well as a military wife, I have figured it out... I can take the moments in life that suck, when normal people start to waiver, and I can focus myself and pull out some amazing things during times most would expect me to crumble.
I didn't brake when I went into labor at 21 weeks and Kitty was given a 40% chance of surviving, or when the doctor told me I should just abort her, I didn't break when I had her at 27 weeks and was given a 50/50 chance on her coming home with us; when I had Cara just days before my husband left for war, I didn't break down, I embraced it. I grew stronger, sent him off with all the love and support I always do, and gathered myself up for caring for a newborn and two other children on top of all the deployment pains that come with him going away. I am not weak. Not in the face of anything that is sent to break me.
So, naturally, when people say I couldn't hack bad news, it gets under my skin. It's not because I think I can just "move on," Im not like some people.... Its because I know that I can hold myself together. Because I know that at the end of the day, I am first and foremost, a mother. And babies don't need to see their mommy hurting. I miss him when he is gone, but they don't see me stressing or upset. I'm scared for him when he is deployed, but they don't know that either. My fears and my concerns are nothing more than being smart about life; I know his ass is walking off that bus at home coming and that I am going to see him again, I fear because I would be an idiot not to. I know where he is, I know what's going on over there, I know the risks he takes, and how selfless and caring he is.
There is nothing that this life can throw at me that I cannot fight through. Maybe people expect me to be the "typical" woman, break down and become nonfunctional, but there is a time and place for that... and I understand it when you don't see something bad coming, but this has always been a risk, always a part of the game of life we play. I love that man to no ends, and I would be devastated without him, but I'll be damned if I would fail my kids in the process, even if just for a day.
So.... these are the facts. I have been married to this life for going on 9 years now... This is our 4th deployment, all combat deployments, and I have always understood the risk involved when my husband leaves us and heads out to do the job he has trained so tirelessly for. I have always known that he could be killed in action, or hurt, but I have never coward from the life we chose to live. My friends who have known me for years, they know, I am complicated.
I may come off as a tough one, but Im not, I am effected by my daily emotions, take things personal, and struggle to improve myself whenever I see the chance; but while daily life may leave me looking like a psycho on the verge of pulling out her own hair and in need of a padded cell, I'm tough when it counts. I have never ran from a bad situation, I embrace them. I think that is why I do so well as a military wife, I have figured it out... I can take the moments in life that suck, when normal people start to waiver, and I can focus myself and pull out some amazing things during times most would expect me to crumble.
I didn't brake when I went into labor at 21 weeks and Kitty was given a 40% chance of surviving, or when the doctor told me I should just abort her, I didn't break when I had her at 27 weeks and was given a 50/50 chance on her coming home with us; when I had Cara just days before my husband left for war, I didn't break down, I embraced it. I grew stronger, sent him off with all the love and support I always do, and gathered myself up for caring for a newborn and two other children on top of all the deployment pains that come with him going away. I am not weak. Not in the face of anything that is sent to break me.
So, naturally, when people say I couldn't hack bad news, it gets under my skin. It's not because I think I can just "move on," Im not like some people.... Its because I know that I can hold myself together. Because I know that at the end of the day, I am first and foremost, a mother. And babies don't need to see their mommy hurting. I miss him when he is gone, but they don't see me stressing or upset. I'm scared for him when he is deployed, but they don't know that either. My fears and my concerns are nothing more than being smart about life; I know his ass is walking off that bus at home coming and that I am going to see him again, I fear because I would be an idiot not to. I know where he is, I know what's going on over there, I know the risks he takes, and how selfless and caring he is.
There is nothing that this life can throw at me that I cannot fight through. Maybe people expect me to be the "typical" woman, break down and become nonfunctional, but there is a time and place for that... and I understand it when you don't see something bad coming, but this has always been a risk, always a part of the game of life we play. I love that man to no ends, and I would be devastated without him, but I'll be damned if I would fail my kids in the process, even if just for a day.
I like this! You are a strong woman, and you are also a bit stronger (ok maybe tons more lol) than the average woman because you also know what it is to be a Marine =) I pray for a safe deployment, and a speedy return for your Marine =) God Speed!
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