Random 0130 thoughts

I hate aspects of this lifestyle. Nothing turns the stomach faster than hearing about the loss of a Marine. It breaks my heart. It sets reality in place, reminds you of your fears, the ones you shove down in a deep dark place. Suddenly you become very aware of days in country, days left until safety can be granted for a time. You see a name come up in the news and your mind flips frantically through this list of all the names you know, all the guys you have met, the names your husband has spoken about, and you just pray that God not let it be someone you know, or someone important to your husband.

Many times you get lucky, and the causalties are not associated with you; but you feel the hurt and fear for their families regardless of weather you knew that man or not. Sometimes you are not so lucky and you are hurt for your spouse who has lost someone he cares for, and other times, you suffer in the thick of grief right along side with so many others. I have had the unfortunate opportunity to bare witness to all of the above senarios.

I know that we have a sort of "unsung motto" around here that no news is good news. But I don't necessarily agree with that. When I do not hear from my husband, yet nobody is knocking on my door, I know it means they are knocking on somebody elses. When computers and phones are secured to ensure the families can be notified, I know that somewhere out there someone, a mother, a wife, children, a father... they are having their lives forever altered. It may not be mine, but someone in my boat is suffering through the nightmare we military spouses hope everyday to avoid.

When I think about when I found out Jordan had been killed in action, and all the events that took place in the weeks to follow; it is hard to know that others are out there, just now starting that irreversible journey of understanding and moving forward; learning to live with such a loss. It is not easy to standby knowing that you can do nothing to make it better. I do not have to know the family to understand that hurt anymore, I have bared witness to it. I have seen a Marine laid to rest, and the effects it has on those who called him loved one and/or brother in arms.

To so many people they are a name in the paper, to others the pain of loss will continue on for a life time. I know there have been losses of friends that my husband will still talk of when he is an old man, when Afghanistan and Iraq wars are a thing found in text books, and the rules of war evolve into something more complex than what they are today. But I have learned one thing, you should talk about them with everyone. Every new family that moves on base, every new neighbor, ever new found friend should know of the men that you knew, that your spouse knew, who gave the ultimate sacrafice. Through this alone, they are never forgotten. And the weight of their loss does not have to fall on the families alone. It is here amungst the ranks of Marines, and the daily chatting of wives that we are able to carry their names forward, allowing them immortality.

We all hear of men lost during our husband's deployments, and not a one of us does not hear these tales and not think of our husbands and the fact that it could so easily have been them. I am lucky to be one of the ones that has not gone through this immesurable loss, but I feel the loss he feels when he speaks of friends killed overseas. I know there are stories I will never hear, and memories that he keeps to himself, and all I can do is be that support when he is not able to be here to welcome home fallen brothers and do what he asks of me when he is still off fighting.

The women on this base can be so shallow, so catty and obsessive over petty things... maybe I am not because I understand the worth of knowing good people and what comes when good men are taken. There is a necessity in the military to have wives who can hold down the fort back home, pick up the pieces, and carry on; or help others do the same. When I see the childishness that runs rampant around here, I wonder how arguements, jealousy, and all this hatred can seem so important to women that should be banning together, so that when something terrible happens we have one another to lean on. In this aspect alone, many military wives, I feel, are failing at their duty.

My husband and my support of him always come first, it is not my job to concern him with things that I am expected to handle on my own. The shots are called by me when he is away, and all he ever needs to know is that everything here is fine. He does not have to know my thoughts, struggles, concerns, or issues... the only thing that needs to be clear between us, is that I am here for him when he needs me to be. Maybe that is why I do not really care anymore about the girls that get offended over stupid things, because I do not have time to care about what gossip is flying around when I knew it is meaningless in comparison to what our spouses are experiencing. I am thankful my only concerns are finances and laundry; there is nothing on this end of the spectrum that has the right to be complained about. But selfishness pushes many of these women into complaining about how long their spouses are gone, how much they have to do with the kids, how unfair it is they must do all the house work, shopping, laundry and budgeting.

But you know what... the neighbors dog may be barking at 3 in the morning, and yeah the kids may have gotten on your nerves and fought all day long, and the phone may get turned off.. but that dog, those kids, and that phone company are not hiding away outside of base planting IEDs and plotting to kill you.

So... to the families of the fallen, I wish there was more that could be done for you, I wish I knew you all and could thank you all personally for your sacrifice and support you when you feel you can't hold yourself up through the pain anymore...

and to the tunnel-visioned complaining wives that want to rant about how hard they have it... at least you know you, your friend, and even that neighbor you hate, will all be alive tomorrow. Work on being greatful for what you have and focusing your attitude into something supportive and positive. Cherish your rotten children and instill in them good morals, faith, and love of country and God, let your phone get turned off because you probably spend too much time on it anyways, and find honor in cleaning your house and doing laundry because your husband's job is easier when he knows he has a good woman at home who can handle anything and will get the shit done.

Pride.

Gratitude.

Thankfulness.

Support.