Mama Arty v.2.0

I hate aspects of this lifestyle. Nothing turns the stomach faster than hearing about the loss of a Marine. It breaks my heart. It sets reality in place, reminds you of your fears, the ones you shove down in a deep dark place. Suddenly you become very aware of days in country, days left until safety can be granted for a time. You see a name come up in the news and your mind flips frantically through this list of all the names you know, all the guys you have met, the names your husband has spoken about, and you just pray that God not let it be someone you know, or someone important to your husband. Many times you get lucky, and the causalties are not associated with you; but you feel the hurt and fear for their families regardless of weather you knew that man or not. Sometimes you are not so lucky and you are hurt for your spouse who has lost someone he cares for, and other times, you suffer in the thick of grief right along side with so many others. I have had the unfo...

Growing up, I always remember how our mother and father told us that if we ever did something wrong, they would not protect us from getting what we deserve, but that they would turn us in themselves if they knew we did something wrong. I can't agree with this logic more myself. What a disappointment it must be to see your own child completely fail in the things you taught them. Of course this does not only apply to if your son goes postal and offs his girlfriend... but I think it also makes it obvious how I would handle my children doing something blatantly wrong in their personal life. Now, I am well aware, from my own lack of making right choices from time to time, that there are moments where you are tasked with helping your child figure out just how an adult is supposed to act. Sure, at 20-25 we all like to think we know what we are doing; but we screw up. If you have ever seen a bird trying to learn to fly, I feel like that is what the early twenty's are all about....

I honestly dont remember the last time I was literally falling asleep while watching television... but I am exhausted. It feels like everything has settled down with Cara and now the exhaustion of it all has finally caught up to me. I need to just sleep in, but alas, meds at 0100 and 0700, so no rest for the mommy. It's going on midnight, and I have to wonder if it's even worth going to bed for an hour, just to have the cursed alarm wake me up in a little bit. Guess it is good practice for when Ivan gets here and is on my case for late night feedings. Oh, how I hate newborns! I know that is a bad thing for a mommy to say, but who enjoys anything that tires them out and makes them miserable? Sure, I love my babies... but I love em even more when they start sleeping through the night. There's your honesty for the evening... I guess I'm too tired to sugar coat things. That or I'm just bad at sugar coating... either way.. there you have it :) I guess I will go ...

Finally... it is the day I have waited for! We are out of the woods and headed into the open, take a nice long fresh breath of air, because today, we are officially 30 weeks pregnant! In just 2 more weeks we can completely let our guard down and than 2 weeks after that... hell, I can go back to being normal... well, as normal as being 34 weeks pregnant is going to allow. I didn't think we were ever going to make it to this point. It felt like it was an eternity away, and now here we are! I had mentioned in a previous post how this is around the time that I start really look at my situation and accept what is going on because I don't have to worry so much if the baby comes earlier than it should. Well, I gotta say... wow. It's starting to set in that in just 6-10 weeks we are going to have another baby; and not just any baby, but our last baby! It's a little sad to think that we are done, of course I just have to look over and see these three climbing a...

I handle alot, and I mean alot, of crap in my day to day life. Doing this whole deployment pregnancy thing ensures that I am never short on stress or have patience at the end of the day. But a thousand sleepless nights worrying about the husband and stressing over the potential of preterm labor fails to hold a light to when I got to watch my poor baby hurting. Today was probably the longest day I have had so far this deployment. I can't understand how there are "moms" out there in the world, that can walk out on or fail their children... I would have done anything today to keep my poor baby from going through catheters and IVs and xrays... ugh. I thought to myself hey you're a NICU mom, you can handle this but I was so very wrong! I think that the nicu took all my ability to handle seeing my children go through medical b.s. It feels like as a mother, you can only handle so much, and it literally broke my heart to sit there and have to hold my poor little girl...

Well, here we are... 940 at night. I cant remember the last time I was in bed this early... too bad I am not actually in  bed... I am currently taking up residence in Boo's room because of her fever. I am worried, I would hate not to hear her if she woke up in the middle of the night and needed me. And this way, when I wake up the millions of times I wake anyways (thank you Ivan) at least I can check to make sure she is okay. Nothing is worse than a sick baby. It's sad. And it is scary because they can't tell you what is wrong with them so it becomes this guessing game of treating random symptoms and praying to God they don't end up throwing up! As of now she is sleeping soundly. Almost teasingly, tempting me to go to my own comfy bed, but mommies don't just go to sleep when their babies are sick... so... the floor (well the mattress on the floor) it is. I just hate that feeling you get when you look at them and they are all sad looking, when you get that f...

Well, here we are again... another late night, I am wide awake... it has officially become tomorrow, and I don't feel sleep coming anytime soon. I haven't had a whole lot of worth-while thoughts running through my head lately; everything has become very routine and my days just sort of fade in and out of one another. I mean, it is not necessarily a bad thing, but when I get into these robotic ways I feel like it means I am slacking on the children. I may be comfortable with cleaning floors, dishes, and doing laundry at the exact same time everyday, and spending spare time watching tv, crocheting, and sitting around the house; but these poor girls must hate it. I really need to find a way that we can still go do something without me breaking my rules for pregnancy. The beach is a no-no because walking in the sand is a workout so, I cant do that. The park would be okay if it didnt mean chasing Boo all over hell and back... getting the pool out and letting them swim in the ...

Well, I honestly have to question my mental health on certain days. It feels like every time I talk to someone who is about to make a career move, their number one concern is how long that job is going to take them away from their families... I do not think we ever even considered this when he started doing what he is doing now. It's the weirdest thing to me that people are conerned with deployments and training schedules... I never really give it much thought because it is normal to us, I guess. I remember a time when I was adjusting to Steven always being gone, and I literally had to carry a picture of him with me at all times because I was certain that I was going to forget what he looked like. There were very late nights, up with kids, where I was worried I was going insane because I did not feel like this husband of mine actually existed. How ridiculous is that? Now, I suppose we have gotten so good at being apart, that he can be gone for majority of the year and I do...

It would appear I may have my answer. (Mallisa was right). I went on to my pregnancy group and asked them if they had any ideas as to what could be causing all my issues... I figure if you want to know what is going on in a pregnancy, who better to ask than an entire group of pregnant ladies. That is like asking all their OBs too... Well they all made the suggestion that I could possibly be anemic. I never honestly considered that. With the way I have been feeling I thought gestational diabetes, low blood sugar, low blood pressure due to progesterone injections... i just didn't think anemic. I mean anemics are usually tired.... but wouldn't you know that one of the symptoms of anemia is insomnia! yep, that's right... and if that is the case, it sure explains why I have had the golden opportunity to say hola to 0300 so many times in the last couple of months. Aside from insomnia, it also causes increased heart rate, shallow breathing, dizzy and lightheadedness, headach...

Things feel like they are slowly getting better. My heart feels a little happier today, and my headache was knocked out with a small 1500mg dose of tylenol. Boo-yah! I win! I cannot begin to express how good it feels to have a laptop again... I know it sounds stupid, but when I am sitting at the other computer I feel like I should just be playing games. Too many long nights of Evony and bigfish games with Jean Marie on that computer to ever feel like it is meant for anything else. Aside from that, getting boo's room done and getting the rug into the living room have made this house feel a little more "homey." So, I have slowly been getting Ivan's room ready. Unfortunately, in order to do that, I have to get Cara's room ready first because a majority of the things in his room have to be moved to hers. Last week I moved the kitchen set, barbie vet set, and all the girly toys. Today I moved the rainbow paper lanterns and the last girly poster. Boo's room...

Just because it's raining, doesn't mean it has to pour. Sure, in the last few months my life has been a small chain of unfortunate events. Deployment, my laptop crashing, whatever is going on medically, my email being hacked... but things finally feel like they are smoothing out. Today I got my new laptop. Which means I can do what I want online, and the girls can finally have their computer back to play their games on. It also means that I don't have to sit in the other room waiting for steven to sign on. I can have my laptop running right here beside me and catch him at anytime he manages to get online. Technology has become so important in this world, I can't believe it. I do not know how other generations handled waiting for hand written letters... this would have driven me crazy. Dont get me wrong. I love sending out hand-written letters to him, quite often actually... but I do those to supplement the emails, IMs, and other ways of communication. I could...

 It has taken some thinking over, but I think it's finally time to wrap it up and be done with this. After Ivan is born I am going to be getting my tubes tied. Should be interesting lol. For those who don't know; he was a bit of a surprise. I got my positive pregnancy test just a couple of weeks after me and steven had a conversation/debate about how Cara was a hand full and we were done with 3. Kind of funny, because odds are that I was already pregnant when we had that discussion. Now a few years ago, I would have gotten an IUD or something reversible, pills, shots, whatever... just in case we decided we want more... but damn we are so done. Ivan isn't even here  yet and he's wearing me out. That and I realize we are now up to 6 mouths to feed. That's a lot of food. lol Im gonna have to put a lock on the pantry and fridge when they turn into teens. Aside from the obvious reasons that we shouldn't have anymore children. (I mean, I don't want...

 kitty at 3 days old.  I watch the calendar day in and day out, sometimes noticing that when I am thinking about time, I am holding my breath as though that is going to help get me through all the stress. Every morning when I mark a day off of the calendar I feel as though I have spared myself a lifetime of fear and anxiety, only to be faced with the hundreds of more that lie before me. The worst part of it all, is that it is not even the deployment, and the danger to my husband's life that has me wound so tightly. It's this pregnancy. I am currently 27 weeks and 2 days pregnant with our little boy. And if this pregnancy was my first with Stasia, I would be delivering in 3 days! I just want these next 3 weeks to move by with a bit of urgency. I cannot stand how it makes me feel, the fear of going into Preterm Labor looming over my head with every waking hour. I do not ever want to go through the NICU again, and if I can make it through this pregnancy, I won...

So, there's a facebook page that came across my news feed the other day called "Soldiers Aren't Heroes" and I decided to blog about this. Here's the deal, as I see it. I know the goal there is to upset people, get them going, and piss them off, but you know what, it doesn't upset me that a site like that exists. If you ask any service member if they are a hero, they aren't going to say yes. They will argue that, in fact, they are far from heroes, and are just ordinary men doing their jobs. Heroism is something that is percieved in somebody by others, it's not something that anyone ever sees in themselves. And anyone who tells you " im a hero ," is full of themselves, among other things; and likely lying.   If you could ask those who gave their lives in service of this country if they thought they were heroes, they would likely turn shyly away and shake their heads no. That's a quality in a person that makes them heroic. Nobody ...

So, yesterday went completely against plans. I was planning on cleaning the critters and hanging out with Linda for a while, but nope, seems my body had different plans. During our trip to wal-mart I started to feel kinda 'yucky,' ended up in labor and delivery.  They hooked me up to the monitor for a while, and when they checked my cervix and it was closed, I was pretty excited about the idea of getting to go home and resuming my normal day to day. But then they said they wanted to keep me for observation for 2 hours! I was so upset... you know at the beginning of this pregnancy I was so happy that my doctor told me that I could basically function as a normal person... at the end of observation, after the contractions had calmed down and there was still no change to my cervix, I was told that my days as a normal girl were done.  I am officially back to my broken self... doing stupid things like having to buy 1/2 gal of milk because I can't carry a full one, and ...

Well, as we all know.. im 22 weeks pregnant. I'll be just a day shy of 23 on my appointment on Monday and I really want my doctor to do a complete exam to check my cervix and make sure it's still doing what it is supposed to be doing. It would be nice if we caught it, just ONCE, before I hit 3cm. ya know??? Avoid some hospital time.  But, the catch here is that I have to bring all 3 of the kids with me on Monday to my appointment. I just don't know about that. I just... that's not right! I am honestly not sure what to do? And I'm thoroughly distracted right now by that turtle picture I chose for this entry hahaha  I just really don't feel comfortable with them being in the room but all my wonderful friends (and I am soooo not saying that sarcastically lol) have appointments for their kids that day, at conflicting times, so there's just no other option but to take the girls along with me to the appointment. I just don't want to NOT get it done,...

I feel like I have finally started to make progress around here. I don't feel like the house is running me anymore, but I am once again running the house. It's a nice change of pace. With soon-to-be 4 little ones running a muck, I have firmly come to the realization that I just can't slack, I have to stay on top of it. I have minor things that I have to do this weekend, so it makes me feel a lot better that the weekend, though likely to be boring and uneventful, can at least be enjoyed to some extent. I want to spend some quiet time with the kids, between them goofing off, maybe chow down on some poppity-corn (that is what the girls call it) and watch a cute movie.  I want to get a little yard work done this weekend. weed-wack the backyard, pull some weeds in the garden, and maybe get around to washing the car and windows. We will see. Sure wish I had a husband here to help, but at the same time, I like knowing that I can handle all of it on my own when I need to. I ...

It was a rough morning. It shouldn't have been, but it was. I am 100% taking responsibility for my mental/emotional breakdown that ended up directed at the kids. Makes me feel like a bad mommy. :/ I am just overwhelmed I guess. Or I felt like it today. I think I'm okay now. Had to cry it out like a damn toddler, but I have regrouped and am doing better. I just want school to be over, have my baby home with us all everyday and not have to over stress about stupid things like library books, Friday folders, homework packets, and spelling tests. I'm so grateful that Stasia is a smart cookie because I don't know if I could handle dealing with a kid that didn't get things easily right now.  I miss my husband like all hell right now! The long weekends can be depressing. I am happy for my friends that don't have to be dealing with deployments right now because deployment sucks, but I hate being the only one with a husband that is gone. It gets very lonely when al...

Warning: to all you who dare befriend me. Deployment is apparently an incurable, horrible contagious, disease that you cannot protect yourself against; and I am carrying the bug. Or so it would seem. You know, I just don't get it... but I have seen it sooo much now. Your husband leaves and then your friends spread three sheets to the wind and avoid you like some type of plague. I hope that, at least some people, are smart enough to know that deployments are a scheduled thing, and it is not because you went near me that your husband picked up orders to ship out. Okay, in all seriousness though. I appreciate fair-weather friends about as much as root canals or cervical checks. But my time in the suck, as a Marine wife, has taught me some things. You can't sweat the small shit; and unfortunately in this world, some people fit that bill. Back when my husband was rocking one chevron and I thought friends were so important, I would waste so much time and energy trying to figure out j...

We have hit the 21 week mark. you know most women are excited to hit the second leg of the pregnancy, they are finally out of the wood-works, and know that all its about is baby gaining weight, developing lungs, and waiting for its entry into the world. Not so much around here. After them first 20 weeks, my pregnancies quit being fun and start being scary. Other women get excited to feel their babies moving so much, all this little boy does is move around, and it's making me nervous, he agitates my uterus; hasn't caused any contractions yet, but he's still got some room and doesn't have the strength of a 28-32 weeker yet. Don't get me wrong, I love being pregnant, but its scary. And its scary to know I am carrying a boy because they suck at doing good if they are born early. I suppose it will be what it will be and there isn't anything I can do to change the plans set in place for our family. I honestly dont think anything is going to go wrong, I think everythin...

There's one fall back to being the one that everyone tends to go to with their troubles and problems, rants and vents, its that you typically won't go to them. So, I get frustrated and stressed out over things like, my scary bank account right now, or my whooping 1/8 a tank of gas that needs to last 10 days, or the fact that my computer refuses to allow me on facebook and yahoo, and I just want to cry about it all. I'm so sick of everything going wrong, only when you are having money problems. When your account is green does your computer die on you, no, because it wouldn't stress you out. Its so unfair. And I just don't have it in me to deal with all this little crap going wrong. I don't even have a real cell-phone to check facebook on for Christ's sake. Clearly, this is going to be a crappy rest of the month...

There has been some conversation lately, about me being the primary contact during Steven's deployments. Primary contact is the person that is contacted in case of any situations that take place in theater (Afghanistan). If there was any type of injury, but he was okay, he would be able to call me himself, but if the injuries were extensive than they would notify me by phone on what is going on, what happened, and where he is located/headed to (medivac out of country, etc.) However if there was a casualty than I would be notified by the infamous movie-made-famous scene of the men in uniforms coming to knock on my door and ruin my life! So.... these are the facts. I have been married to this life for going on 9 years now... This is our 4th deployment, all combat deployments, and I have always understood the risk involved when my husband leaves us and heads out to do the job he has trained so tirelessly for. I have always known that he could be killed in action, or hurt, but I have n...

Every morning for the last two weeks or so, I have been waking up with this stupid headache. I can pop some tylenol (3 usually does the trick) but it's getting really old. I was hoping that chopping off all my hair would help, it takes the weight off your neck, but nope... headache is still rocking. Im sure my liver and kidneys are just thrilled with all the tylenol. Oh well, what do you do? So, I was talking to a friend last night about the girls and how they helped out yesterday with all the house work. You know, I do appreciate it, but I don't want it to become something necessary or mandatory. I think they enjoy doing stuff like that because it's not demanded of them, and I want them to continue to find joy in the mundane things in life. Like how I love standing in front of the sink scrubbing dishes... its my quiet time, and my thinking time, and everyone leaves you alone while you're doing dishes. I like mopping too, that really gets you some peace and quiet becaus...

So, today was mothers day, and it was the best one yet for me. Me and girls were chatting this morning and I jokingly said it was my day and they should be working for me. They got super excited and decided they wanted to help around the house. So Kitty swiffered the floors and vacuumed the living room while Illy did the dishes and loaded the dishwasher for me. They are too cute. They made me a paper box and filled it with little arts and crafts they colored and cut out of a bunch of different bugs lol I also got chocolate covered strawberries from them and boo in the mail (thanks to my mama). So, I may not have gotten to hear from the hubby, but I can't complain. We did bath time, watched river monsters, than they went to bed. I have to say, I am so proud of them. They rock and they make me so happy. And too top it all off Ivan has continued with his non-stop kicking; probably just his way of saying happy mommy day. Which he better because I had to stab myself with a 2 1/2 inch ne...

Finally have emails coming in. I guess that means that things have settled down and everyone is situated out there. I love to know when he is bored. It makes me happy. I am so happy. I was digging through my room, trying to get things organized because I am going to need room for Ivan and I found a couple of shirts that didn't get washed!! They smell wonderful! As I was telling Steven this morning in an email: It's verging on literal insanity that I am basically sleeping with a pile of dirty clothes and tempted to wear men's deodorant. Mother's day has me feeling a little sad. I wish he was here, I know he would nag at me in the morning for not sleeping in, and today him and the girls would have run off and locked themselves in a bedroom to make me cards and draw pictures. He would even have Cara scribble all over a picture and then fill it in with things like "bla de ba, Love you mommy." I was real excited tonight, I actually got to feel a for sure kick...

When on Earth did my babies get so big? Damn. If I am not careful, the next thing I know, I will be planning weddings. I can hardly believe that Illiana is going into Kindergarten; and Kitty, our little miracle baby only has 5 weeks of school left before she is officially a 1st grader! I still remember getting up early every morning to sit in the NICU with her for the day. Staring at her in that incubator, scared; afraid of the worst, afraid to love her too much because of the risk of losing her. My parents, rightfully so, were worried about me having a kid (at that time, who could blame them). But God sure works in mysterious ways. That little girl straightened me out, she brought out the best in me. And here I am now, eating my words that I spewed my entire life about not wanting kids. Funny, because I am sitting here pregnant with #4! I have found very little in life that has brought me more fulfillment than being a mom. Seeing them learn and grow. I still see that little 2 pound ba...

Had a nice chat with the fellow ladies and it is nice to know that I am not the only woman around here that goes into cleaning over drive during deployment and forgets what it feels like to actually go to bed. I am so tired, and I can't decide if the usual deployment habits are a good or a bad thing. Having a clean house is good, and keeping a house clean when you have 3 kids working against you is even better, but... I probably shouldn't be doing too much house work. So, I know I have to ease up on this part of it and try not to do to much. Especially because I have official stepped into the "boo" part of my pregnancies. 20 to 32 weeks always has me on edge. But I haven't had any contractions or cramping or anything like that, so I am feeling good so far. As for the lack of sleep, well I should be sleeping because it's important for functioning. I know if I don't get sleep I am going to regret it! Sleep is awesome! But on the otherside of that. If I stay ...

Being a Marine wife is a bit challenging at times. But I don't know how it feels to be one of you guys. You all look at me for the updates and information and often times I have to lie to you. "Oh I am not sure where he is at," "he's just on some base," "no, I haven't heard from him," "He didn't say..." Oh how that list could go on and on. Its weird, he knows so much, Im told minimal information, and than I am allowed to share even less... I can't imagine how bothersome it is for him to know the things he knows and not be able to tell me or the family. I know how much it drives me crazy to know he is in route somewhere or headed on a mission and unable to tell people that would like to be informed on what is going on. And then to think that he knows even more . Even once he comes home there are things we don't talk about. I wonder sometimes; the things he has had to do or the stuff he has bared witness to. He...

I love nothing more than hearing his voice. Nothing compares to a phone call. Nearly half of our marriage has been conducted through far away phone calls coming in at random hours. I am in a great debt to modern technology, without a doubt. I guess it's strange for the average civilian to think that the bond between two people can be so strong that it can withstand the constant distance that we are always dealing with. You see people divorcing left and right and, to me, it doesn't make sense. How can you fall out of love with somebody that you see everyday? I have civilian friends who have relationships drop faster than flies and I don't get. it They see each other constantly, daily even, and they can't make things work. I think most of them are just afraid of the commitment of marriage, the unknown of what it truly means to give yourself completely to somebody and trust that it's going to work. I'm sure the argument would be that we aren't around one anoth...

We are half way there already! Well, Im 19 weeks today, but lets be honest, my body doesn't due 40; so we are half way there. I have started purchasing baby clothes for Ivan, and I am on the hunt for bedding that I like and that I know Steven will like too. The girls and I went to the store today after school and it's so fun. They love shopping for their little brother so much. We have never done much in the boys section before. Go figure. I think I'm going to let them help me make all the decisions on bedding and things like that, I want them to feel important and to focus on what is going on at home more than on who is missing from home. While I can't say anything specific, I have received word from the husband. He is alive and well. Alive and well... and thousands of miles from home with a long damn time to go. But anyways... that's not what I was going to post about. Baby Ivan is well under construction and I am spread awfully thin trying to keep this pregnant -...