Mama Arty v.2.0

I feel like I have finally started to make progress around here. I don't feel like the house is running me anymore, but I am once again running the house. It's a nice change of pace. With soon-to-be 4 little ones running a muck, I have firmly come to the realization that I just can't slack, I have to stay on top of it. I have minor things that I have to do this weekend, so it makes me feel a lot better that the weekend, though likely to be boring and uneventful, can at least be enjoyed to some extent. I want to spend some quiet time with the kids, between them goofing off, maybe chow down on some poppity-corn (that is what the girls call it) and watch a cute movie.  I want to get a little yard work done this weekend. weed-wack the backyard, pull some weeds in the garden, and maybe get around to washing the car and windows. We will see. Sure wish I had a husband here to help, but at the same time, I like knowing that I can handle all of it on my own when I need to. I ...

It was a rough morning. It shouldn't have been, but it was. I am 100% taking responsibility for my mental/emotional breakdown that ended up directed at the kids. Makes me feel like a bad mommy. :/ I am just overwhelmed I guess. Or I felt like it today. I think I'm okay now. Had to cry it out like a damn toddler, but I have regrouped and am doing better. I just want school to be over, have my baby home with us all everyday and not have to over stress about stupid things like library books, Friday folders, homework packets, and spelling tests. I'm so grateful that Stasia is a smart cookie because I don't know if I could handle dealing with a kid that didn't get things easily right now.  I miss my husband like all hell right now! The long weekends can be depressing. I am happy for my friends that don't have to be dealing with deployments right now because deployment sucks, but I hate being the only one with a husband that is gone. It gets very lonely when al...

Warning: to all you who dare befriend me. Deployment is apparently an incurable, horrible contagious, disease that you cannot protect yourself against; and I am carrying the bug. Or so it would seem. You know, I just don't get it... but I have seen it sooo much now. Your husband leaves and then your friends spread three sheets to the wind and avoid you like some type of plague. I hope that, at least some people, are smart enough to know that deployments are a scheduled thing, and it is not because you went near me that your husband picked up orders to ship out. Okay, in all seriousness though. I appreciate fair-weather friends about as much as root canals or cervical checks. But my time in the suck, as a Marine wife, has taught me some things. You can't sweat the small shit; and unfortunately in this world, some people fit that bill. Back when my husband was rocking one chevron and I thought friends were so important, I would waste so much time and energy trying to figure out j...

We have hit the 21 week mark. you know most women are excited to hit the second leg of the pregnancy, they are finally out of the wood-works, and know that all its about is baby gaining weight, developing lungs, and waiting for its entry into the world. Not so much around here. After them first 20 weeks, my pregnancies quit being fun and start being scary. Other women get excited to feel their babies moving so much, all this little boy does is move around, and it's making me nervous, he agitates my uterus; hasn't caused any contractions yet, but he's still got some room and doesn't have the strength of a 28-32 weeker yet. Don't get me wrong, I love being pregnant, but its scary. And its scary to know I am carrying a boy because they suck at doing good if they are born early. I suppose it will be what it will be and there isn't anything I can do to change the plans set in place for our family. I honestly dont think anything is going to go wrong, I think everythin...

There's one fall back to being the one that everyone tends to go to with their troubles and problems, rants and vents, its that you typically won't go to them. So, I get frustrated and stressed out over things like, my scary bank account right now, or my whooping 1/8 a tank of gas that needs to last 10 days, or the fact that my computer refuses to allow me on facebook and yahoo, and I just want to cry about it all. I'm so sick of everything going wrong, only when you are having money problems. When your account is green does your computer die on you, no, because it wouldn't stress you out. Its so unfair. And I just don't have it in me to deal with all this little crap going wrong. I don't even have a real cell-phone to check facebook on for Christ's sake. Clearly, this is going to be a crappy rest of the month...

There has been some conversation lately, about me being the primary contact during Steven's deployments. Primary contact is the person that is contacted in case of any situations that take place in theater (Afghanistan). If there was any type of injury, but he was okay, he would be able to call me himself, but if the injuries were extensive than they would notify me by phone on what is going on, what happened, and where he is located/headed to (medivac out of country, etc.) However if there was a casualty than I would be notified by the infamous movie-made-famous scene of the men in uniforms coming to knock on my door and ruin my life! So.... these are the facts. I have been married to this life for going on 9 years now... This is our 4th deployment, all combat deployments, and I have always understood the risk involved when my husband leaves us and heads out to do the job he has trained so tirelessly for. I have always known that he could be killed in action, or hurt, but I have n...

Every morning for the last two weeks or so, I have been waking up with this stupid headache. I can pop some tylenol (3 usually does the trick) but it's getting really old. I was hoping that chopping off all my hair would help, it takes the weight off your neck, but nope... headache is still rocking. Im sure my liver and kidneys are just thrilled with all the tylenol. Oh well, what do you do? So, I was talking to a friend last night about the girls and how they helped out yesterday with all the house work. You know, I do appreciate it, but I don't want it to become something necessary or mandatory. I think they enjoy doing stuff like that because it's not demanded of them, and I want them to continue to find joy in the mundane things in life. Like how I love standing in front of the sink scrubbing dishes... its my quiet time, and my thinking time, and everyone leaves you alone while you're doing dishes. I like mopping too, that really gets you some peace and quiet becaus...

So, today was mothers day, and it was the best one yet for me. Me and girls were chatting this morning and I jokingly said it was my day and they should be working for me. They got super excited and decided they wanted to help around the house. So Kitty swiffered the floors and vacuumed the living room while Illy did the dishes and loaded the dishwasher for me. They are too cute. They made me a paper box and filled it with little arts and crafts they colored and cut out of a bunch of different bugs lol I also got chocolate covered strawberries from them and boo in the mail (thanks to my mama). So, I may not have gotten to hear from the hubby, but I can't complain. We did bath time, watched river monsters, than they went to bed. I have to say, I am so proud of them. They rock and they make me so happy. And too top it all off Ivan has continued with his non-stop kicking; probably just his way of saying happy mommy day. Which he better because I had to stab myself with a 2 1/2 inch ne...

Finally have emails coming in. I guess that means that things have settled down and everyone is situated out there. I love to know when he is bored. It makes me happy. I am so happy. I was digging through my room, trying to get things organized because I am going to need room for Ivan and I found a couple of shirts that didn't get washed!! They smell wonderful! As I was telling Steven this morning in an email: It's verging on literal insanity that I am basically sleeping with a pile of dirty clothes and tempted to wear men's deodorant. Mother's day has me feeling a little sad. I wish he was here, I know he would nag at me in the morning for not sleeping in, and today him and the girls would have run off and locked themselves in a bedroom to make me cards and draw pictures. He would even have Cara scribble all over a picture and then fill it in with things like "bla de ba, Love you mommy." I was real excited tonight, I actually got to feel a for sure kick...

When on Earth did my babies get so big? Damn. If I am not careful, the next thing I know, I will be planning weddings. I can hardly believe that Illiana is going into Kindergarten; and Kitty, our little miracle baby only has 5 weeks of school left before she is officially a 1st grader! I still remember getting up early every morning to sit in the NICU with her for the day. Staring at her in that incubator, scared; afraid of the worst, afraid to love her too much because of the risk of losing her. My parents, rightfully so, were worried about me having a kid (at that time, who could blame them). But God sure works in mysterious ways. That little girl straightened me out, she brought out the best in me. And here I am now, eating my words that I spewed my entire life about not wanting kids. Funny, because I am sitting here pregnant with #4! I have found very little in life that has brought me more fulfillment than being a mom. Seeing them learn and grow. I still see that little 2 pound ba...

Had a nice chat with the fellow ladies and it is nice to know that I am not the only woman around here that goes into cleaning over drive during deployment and forgets what it feels like to actually go to bed. I am so tired, and I can't decide if the usual deployment habits are a good or a bad thing. Having a clean house is good, and keeping a house clean when you have 3 kids working against you is even better, but... I probably shouldn't be doing too much house work. So, I know I have to ease up on this part of it and try not to do to much. Especially because I have official stepped into the "boo" part of my pregnancies. 20 to 32 weeks always has me on edge. But I haven't had any contractions or cramping or anything like that, so I am feeling good so far. As for the lack of sleep, well I should be sleeping because it's important for functioning. I know if I don't get sleep I am going to regret it! Sleep is awesome! But on the otherside of that. If I stay ...

Being a Marine wife is a bit challenging at times. But I don't know how it feels to be one of you guys. You all look at me for the updates and information and often times I have to lie to you. "Oh I am not sure where he is at," "he's just on some base," "no, I haven't heard from him," "He didn't say..." Oh how that list could go on and on. Its weird, he knows so much, Im told minimal information, and than I am allowed to share even less... I can't imagine how bothersome it is for him to know the things he knows and not be able to tell me or the family. I know how much it drives me crazy to know he is in route somewhere or headed on a mission and unable to tell people that would like to be informed on what is going on. And then to think that he knows even more . Even once he comes home there are things we don't talk about. I wonder sometimes; the things he has had to do or the stuff he has bared witness to. He...

I love nothing more than hearing his voice. Nothing compares to a phone call. Nearly half of our marriage has been conducted through far away phone calls coming in at random hours. I am in a great debt to modern technology, without a doubt. I guess it's strange for the average civilian to think that the bond between two people can be so strong that it can withstand the constant distance that we are always dealing with. You see people divorcing left and right and, to me, it doesn't make sense. How can you fall out of love with somebody that you see everyday? I have civilian friends who have relationships drop faster than flies and I don't get. it They see each other constantly, daily even, and they can't make things work. I think most of them are just afraid of the commitment of marriage, the unknown of what it truly means to give yourself completely to somebody and trust that it's going to work. I'm sure the argument would be that we aren't around one anoth...

We are half way there already! Well, Im 19 weeks today, but lets be honest, my body doesn't due 40; so we are half way there. I have started purchasing baby clothes for Ivan, and I am on the hunt for bedding that I like and that I know Steven will like too. The girls and I went to the store today after school and it's so fun. They love shopping for their little brother so much. We have never done much in the boys section before. Go figure. I think I'm going to let them help me make all the decisions on bedding and things like that, I want them to feel important and to focus on what is going on at home more than on who is missing from home. While I can't say anything specific, I have received word from the husband. He is alive and well. Alive and well... and thousands of miles from home with a long damn time to go. But anyways... that's not what I was going to post about. Baby Ivan is well under construction and I am spread awfully thin trying to keep this pregnant -...

I woke up this morning and had the desire to go put on one of Steven's shirts for the day. Some days it just makes me feel better to wear something that belongs to him and that smells like him a little. It helps me from getting that feeling that I am actually a crazy lady who has an imaginary husband that doesn't really exist. I can honestly say, I have never been this upset that I have the laundry done. I have nothing of his that smells the way I want it to smell. I am not happy, but I put on one of his shirts anyways and am trying to get on with my day and not dwell on the fact that I am actually upset about not having dirty laundry. Oh and the pillow... fail. I think I am going to have to resort to wearing his cologne. Perhaps, we have unlocked the key to surviving absence.... good old fashion insanity! :)

Im officially back on deployment time. *le sigh* This is always the worst. Normally I am ready to pass out at 9; but no, no, no... not during deployment. During deployment I don't really get tired at all. Here I am at 1030 so wide awake I think I may be forgetting to blink! Dang it all. I really do not understand it, it is so stupid. I feel like the minute that Steven walks out of the door my brain goes stupid. I mean I was up until nearly 0200 this morning, up at 6 and Im no where near tired. Maybe there is an upside to having a baby during deployment; I dont sleep anyways, and we all know that evil little newborns never let you sleep. This may be a blessing in disguise. *shudder* newborns scare me. Funny coming from the lady with bun #4 in the oven, but I think that first couple months where they wake you up at 10, 11, 1, 3, 4, and 5... ugh! When I found out I was pregnant with Ivan I literally felt the physical side effects of nervousness, tension... it's like damn if babi...

There is always this weird frozen moment when these things first get underway when your mind doesn't really register what's going on and weeks just blob together into a really, really, long day. I don't know if its a coping mechanism or what but the brain is a fascinating thing. Think about traumatically painful things you've gone through, you don't real remember them. You know you hurt, you know it sucked, but your mind doesn't really remember the pain. Hell, if that was the case every family would consist of one kid because no woman would be dumb enough (like yours truly) to go on having one after another! Anyways, I think it applies to the kids too. The girls understand daddy is gone and they are upset about it, of course, but the days go on as normal. They mention his absence, but otherwise act like themselves. Kitty's biggest concern today was the chicken in her classroom and tying her shoes for her teacher. And I have noticed during training exercises...

It is no easy task to look into the eyes of little girls, who are finally old enough to understand just how long their daddy is going to be gone, and not want to hate yourself for the grief you cause them; even if it is all for the right reasons. Nothing gets easier in the military life. Deployments get harder, family life gets harder, separation gets harder... it all hits this point where you aren't just another newly-wed couple anymore, your entire family is this one complex unit and ever bump in the road effects the entire thing. The girls getting older really does make it harder. When they were toddlers, they had no clue. They didn't understand how time works, they just took things for what they were worth. Daddy wasn't home, and that was that... but now, they get it. They understand the difference between a week in training and months away from home. They know they aren't going to see him and they understand their emotions better so they express actual sadness. It...

Hello cruel world. As of today we are quickly approaching the 19 week mark of pregnancy #4! Wow... we are also officially suffering through our 4th deployment! Wow again. They sure don't get any easier. My hands are going to be so full this time around. Come August I have two in school. I can hardly believe, when I look at kitty, that she is going to be a 1st grader! Where is the time going? Seems like just last week she was coming home from the NICU and I was figuring out this whole "mommy" thing. I must say, I think I got it down pretty good. It is just as weird to think that Steven is just about half way done with his time in service. For all I know, the next time I blink we are going to be setting up for retirement with a 10 year old boy, 12 year old Boo, and two little girls bugging me to learn how to drive! What's that about? Life seemed to move so much slower when I was growing up, playing out on the front lawn with my brother and sharing a room. And its weird...